Jokes who is god

Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends! Before I was born god gave me 2 options: A good memory or a big phallus. I don't remember my choice. What is the name of the Greek god of sexually transmitted diseases?

Herpes badumm tss. An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?! A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4. Boy: 6. Boy: The boy got all the questions right.

The principal told the Madam to send A flat earther dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question. This conspiracy runs deeper th This priest decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a yard hole in one. Before I was born, God asked if I wanted to be well-endowed. A fat gut and man tits wasn't what I had in mind. A jew visits a brothel He talks to the guy at reception: - Hello, I want to see Samantha.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days. A man goes to see a psychologist He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them.

The man says "a naked lady" The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick" A priest and a nun are going golfing The priest goes to the first hole, swings his golf club, hits the ball Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me.

May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie? I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God. I've never seen one before, but I have faith. A woman is in hospital having an operation when she has a vision of God. She asks God how long she has left to live, and God tells her she has 30 years left. Upon waking from surgery, the woman considers the next 30 years, and decides to make some changes.

So she books herself a tummy tuck, face lift, liposuction, fillers etc. You name it, she had it done. After being released from hospital, and feeling glamorous, the woman sashays across the road What do you call a bone who thinks he is god?

A blasfemur! A reporter went to a small village And asked one of the villagers, "hey could you tell me a story about your village? We all celebrated and drank and then we all had sex with the goat". An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. It's a one-liner. What's the line? On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.

He kept While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days Why does God like Saturn the most?

Because he liked it and put a ring on it A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! The first, second, or third? Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must God said man should not be alone. God told Adam, it is not good for you to be alone, I will make you a woman! She will do all the work, hunting , fishing cooking and cleaning, she will never say no to sex and will do all your bidding, you will have it made.

What do you think said God? God repli When God made the little crustacean, he told his team to name it "crab"..

What does the god Set eat with his salad? I never expected the Norse god of mischief be such a extravagant dresser. I had always heard he was real Loki. What do you call a Norse god who doesn't draw much attention to themselves? Low Key! He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.

He thought his mother was a virgin. His mother thought he was God. God said come forth and receive eternal life Two boys were misbehaving The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave.

She brought the first boy Ray to the church and left the second boy Jim at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stay Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven God: welcome to the St.

Peter's Gates. With my omniscient knowledge, I can tell you anything you wish to know. God: Joseph R. Q: What's the difference between God and a cop? A: God doesn't think she's a cop. The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.

Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon. You don't know me but I've come to I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

This is the only dirty joke my mother ever told me translated from arabic, hope it makes sense A husband that didn't like his wife's cooking put a note on the fridge after he had enough "god loves people that do something they like in a good way". He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!

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Ten Rules for Effective Communication. A Successful Mindset for Dating. Secrets of the Cave of the Patriarchs. Dave Chappelle and the Space Jews. He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist. First, the website that conducted the poll, Ship of Fools, did not attribute me as the author.

Sure, it has been quite a while since I performed it. But come on, guys! The slightest Google search! But back in the day That joke and I astounded the world! Everywhere I played, in the largest of British theatres, the audiences clamoured for it! I told it not once but twice on British television. A few years ago it was voted by my peers as one of the top 75 jokes of all time.

It has been anthologized in several joke books, most recently in Italian; the translator gave me a copy a few weeks ago after one of my shows. He pointed the joke out, without telling me which it was Second, I learned why Ship of Fools was running the poll Such a law would be a bad idea, for the simple reason that jokes are how we humans avoid violence. Jokes are our safety-release mechanism.